I’m nervous. There were parts of today where I felt like I was trusting my body. Trusting that God made it just right to send me the right signals, but now there is going to be Chinese. Ooooey, gooey mounds of gleaming meat doing the backstroke in mysterious sauces.
I know it’s fattening. So fattening.
But I’m supposed to trust my body. Don’t worry about what I know to be true. My body will let me know what it wants to eat. It will let me know when it is full.
Yet, my body has betrayed me time and again.
Like I said, I did well today. Well, I did well MOST of today. After work I went to Costco to get some contacts. While there, I got hungry. Just a little bit hungry, though. Just a tad. But I am afraid of hunger – that it will lead me to destruction. I realized that I was two hours from getting that Chinese. Could I make it two hours without making myself actually BECOME the Mongolian Beef later? In the car, I opened the banana from my lunch (which I forwent earlier). In my defense I only ate half.
Then I got home, let the dog out, and became obsessed with the thought of the grits and greens casserole I made yesterday. Mmmmm. My first try at grits and greens. It’s a keeper of a recipe. So yummy. I glanced at the clock. Easily an hour and a half before dinner. Would a bit hurt?
Come on, now!!! Nothing in Weigh Down says to eat casseroles cold out of the fridge with no ceremony!! Nothing says eat those bites quickly before my roomie gets home and catches me! What does that even matter? God knows. I know. I ate three bites (large bites), and then sort of came to my senses.
On the way upstairs to write this, I ate a square of Ghiradelli chocolate – the last one. I was not hungry. I did not need it. Now, guess what? Food will probably arrive on my table in one hour, and I am not hungry. I will (HOPEFULLY) contain myself and split the check with two ladies who will actually eat. My loss financially.
Then I will come home and try to get through the night without messing up more. I think I will once again pray for forgiveness and for strength, asking God to redeem the stuff I break, even if this time the only think I broke was my own resolve.